Worst Sports Teams… Literally!

By now, you have undoubtedly read ourBest Sports Teams… Literallypost.  Due to popular demand (thanks Mom!), I have decided to put together a list of the worst sports teams… LITERALLY! 

Just like the first match-up, these literal franchises will meet on the football field.  May the shittiest team win (lose)!

Here are the lackluster teams in no particular order:

CLOTHING

Scary shit, eh? Picture a team consisting of Red and White “Sox” (Can’t even spell it right?!?), Blue Jackets (should just call them the Cold Crips…), and Knickerbockers (Jesus tap dancing Christ! The word in and of itself sucks balls, regardless of the ridiculousness it refers to! Worst team name ever!!!!). 

Talk about a team that is as soft as cotton… Literally!

These are the only pieces of clothing that would be worthwhile:

 

NETS

Nets would seem to be almost as bad as clothing, but at least a butterfly net could catch a pass.  

And kill bitch ass baby dolphins… 

Oh.

  

REDS

This team may actually be better than you would think!  Who the fuck would want to tackle this soulless creature:

They already have a franchise QB too:

LAKERS

Jesus, how the fuck is a team of tranquil-ass lakes going to compete in a game of football? 

BIRDS!

This group doesn’t include the kick-ass birds such as the Eagles, Falcons, or any pet bird that John Goodman may own.  This team consists of Seahawks, Cardinals, and Orioles, amongst others. 

While this team’s best offensive scheme may be dropping shit on the opposing team’s heads, they will at least have two athlete on their squad:

DODGERS

The Brooklyn Dodgers were originally named after kids that used to dodge trolleys.  It doesn’t get much more retarded than that!  The literal Dodgers may have some mean jukes on the football field, but dodging mother fuckers is not the best defensive strategy.

MAPLE LEAFS

 

This could be an all time low for a literal sports franchise.  Leafs?  Really?!  Not even Leaves?!  Most leaves crumble and die without any contact.  A caterpillar will fuck a leaf up on a bad day! 

There is a reason this piece-of-shit leaf is centered on the Canadian flag.

JAZZ/BLUES

Just see the picture above.  I really do not have to waste any more of our time on this one, do I?

PADRES

 Isn’t this a little fucking racist? People are always bitching about the Redskins, Indians and Braves… A team full of Mexican dads?!?!?

 

You should be ashamed of yourselves, San Diego!!!

 NUGGETS

I have no clue what kind of nuggets this team would be, but chicken nuggets would be pretty awesome! 

PHILLIES

Not just a horse… But a FEMALE horse! 

What the fuck were they thinking when they named this team? 

Sorry I couldn’t find a picture of an actual horse… I had to use a pic of Sarah Jessica Parker instead…

CANADIENS

The only kind of people who are softer than the Canadians are the French.  This team will surely be made up of French-Canadians!  I think even some maple leafs or sox will look “hella hard” compared to these bastards!

 

OK, there you have it.  Please vote below for which teams you think are the worst… Literally (you can choose up to 4 teams)

 

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Hawaiian Punch – Most Recent Installment Of Celebrities I Want To Punch In The Face!!!

As you know, this is an ongoing daily series by your favorite cereal connoisseur…

CITIZEN McGEE!!!

I’m counting down the Top 13 celebrities I want to punch right in the damn face!

To see the previous installments of the series, and the rest of the post, CLICK HERE!!!

So who is today’s lucky weiner?

Take it away Hawaiian Punchy!

 Kanye West

Kanye West is not only a cocky, arrogant, whiney, attention-whoring son-of-a-bitch…

Oh…

Yes he is.

OK… OK… He is a very talented producer and has a knack for putting together classic albums.  There, glad that shit is out of the way! 

It’s amazing that anyone still likes this ass-clown.  First, he gets in a car accident (probably because he was going down on himself while driving) and gets his mouth wired shut. 

Jesus, his face is fucking HUGE!  He looks like he could be a black ninja turtle. 

KANYETELLO – TEENAGE MUTANT NEGRO TURTLE!

Next this mother fucker gets sonned on South Park… 

Maybe his cheeks are so big from shoving all those fish sticks in his mouth!  Or maybe it’s from gargling Jay-Z’s nuts.  Or both.  At the same time. 

Mouth from Goonies has nothing on you!  

Kanye actually had the nerve to say that this South Park episode really opened his eyes and made him realize what a douche bag he has been over the years… 

Yeah, sure it did ‘Ye.  If that was the case, why the did you throw a fucking hissy-fit on Taylor Swift at the VMAs right afterwards? 

That shit wasn’t even original you fucking biter:

RIP ODB!  Kanye’s mouth likes it raw too!

Next time you are on the rag, keep your drama queen ass at home. 

Even Paris Hilton calls you a whiney little bitch. 

Now it is time that I gave you something to really cry about:

IN THE FACE!!!!

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Best Sports Teams… Literally

Most sports fans have a fairly easy time determining who is the best team in the league at a given time.  Subjectively, it’s usually his or her favorite and/or local team (even if it’s a team as horrible as, say, the 2010-2011 Cleveland Cavaliers).  Objectively,  one might look at a team’s record, players and coaches to help come to a conclusion on the league’s powerhouse team.   Well, that would be all fine and dandy in a fantasy world where humans played sports…

I, Citizen McGee, will now decree the 12 most dominant sports franchises in the four major sports, based on their team names… LITERALLY!  That’s right, the Los Angeles Lakers would consist of a team of actual lakes (little tranquil, bitch ones too), the Colorado Rockies would have a team of fucking mountains, and the Green Bay Packers would have a team “filled” with butt-packers (ok, no change there, but you get the point).

Just so everyone is on the same page, the 12 teams below will be competing in the NFL, which is the most obvious battlefield among the four major sports (although I bet a shark could throw a helluva fastball…). 

Here is the 12-team league, in no particular order, with each team consisting of 52 of “whatever the fuck their team name is”…

Welcome to the blood-bath!!

 

SHARKS 

 Whoever doesn’t think sharks are awesome is a liar, a piece of shit, and someone I just don’t fucking like.

Sharks kick ass. It’s science. Read a book, Mohammed.

 And let’s face it… even if sharks can’t move around on land or breathe out of water, a dead shark is still shit-your-pants-fucking-scary, am I right?

RAPTORS 

Raptors are fast, ferocious and have baby arms.  They are crazy dinosaurs, and if movies teach us anything, they are smart enough to learn how to use door handles in record time when doing so might help them acquire delicious children to eat (thank god Michael Jackson never learned how to do that…) 

This team would be even more dangerous with their HRIC (Head Raptor In Charge), who inexplainably actually looks exactly like a half-man, half-raptor:

TITANS 

The titans were gigantic (hence “titanic”) Gods that ruled the planet.

Do you need more? 

Then they fought in the bad-ass-sounding “Titanomachy” (War of the Titans) against Zeus and all them well known mutha fuckas.  

Speaking of bad ass names, their name starts with “tit,” which could only get better if they were called “Boobatons” or something similar.

Additionally, ‘Remember the Titans,’ the film, stars a very young Ryan Gosling, AVON FUCKING BARKSDALE (!!!), and of course, “my man,” Denzel.   

“KING KONG AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME!”

KINGS

 Yes, I know… Kings are ordinary human beings.  And a lot of them suck.  I just really liked the idea of the Burger King King, King Arthur and Rodney King hitting the field together!

PIRATES

 Again, I am fully aware that pirates are human beings, but these mother fuckers fight dirty.  I’m not talking about the bitch-ass rock-throwing pirates in Somalia… These pirates actually got swords and shit!

DEVILS 

 Who is seriously going to tempt a team of fucking devils?  They have pitch forks, they play with fire, and I’m pretty sure they have the ability to turn Coke into Pepsi.

NATURAL DISASTERS

HURRICANES 

 LIGHTNING AVALANCHE

A team of natural disasters?  Are you shitting me? 

Fuck.

That.

Weather would certainly be an issue in this game…

MAGIC/WIZARDS

I’m really not certain how any team could beat a collection of wizards and their magic. 

After all, wizards could turn themselves into a team of crazy ass Charlie Sheens if they wanted to! 

They could also turn the opposing team into a team of Richard Simmons!

SUNS 

Does anyone really know how hot the sun’s surface really is?  Huh?  Do you?  It’s 11,000 degrees (F)!  I sure feel sorry for the Kings when they have to play the Suns.  Devils might come out aiight though…

On another note… how the fuck is this an appropriate mascot?

ROCKETS/JETS

OK, I really am not sure that a team of rockets would be able to even hold or throw the football (or run the old statue of liberty play), but I do know if you lined up 11 rockets side-by-side, the other team would not physically be able to get around them.  D-Fence!

PREDATORS

 God damn, this team would be spooky!  Not only are these things deadly and creepy, but they also have an absolutely dominant runningback:

GIANTS

 While their only tactic may be overpowering teams with their brute strength, the Giants also have some very skilled athletes:

 and

AND OF COURSE

 John “Donkey Dong” Goodman!

If you like this post, please check out my list of Worst Sports Teams… Literally!

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Hawaiian Punch – Top 13 Celebrities I Want To Punch In The Face!

You close your eyes. You’re trying to relax. You turned your television down before doing so, but apparently not enough. All of a sudden you hear it. The voice. It strikes you like the sound of the child of Mr. NailsOnAChalkboard and Ms. FranDrescher’sLaugh screaming while being raped by a ferocious man-bear-pig. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The voice you hear when you’re just trying to get a peace of mind, go about your daily business, live your life, jack off without interruption, etc… is the voice of that mother fuckin’ bastard ass celebrity that you hate with all of your might. You would give anything to punch that piece of shit right in the FACE! RIGHT IN THE FACE!

Well guess what… I feel ya, bro. McGee too suffers from the same affliction.

So I’ll tell you what. I’m going to unleash a series on you right now. The first ever Citizen McGee post series. You should feel mighty special.

I call it the “HAWAIIAN PUNCH-THAT-BITCH-ASS-CELEBRITY IN THE FACE!!!” series.

One new bitch ass celebrity a day for 13 lucky days… check in to see the new installments, feel free to comment on who you would like to punch in the face (maybe you’ll sway me to agree with you) whenever you want, and most definitely come back after the series is over to vote on who you would like to punch the most out of all the worthy nominees.

So who is first on the list? Point the way, Hawaiian Punchy!


 

1. BRETT FAVRE

Yup! It’s the dick-picture-taker! God what a fucking fall from grace, huh? How does that line from The Dark Knight go?

“You either die a hero or live to see yourself become the villain.”

Well… Favre definitely didn’t die a hero.  His petty, repetitive, downright fucking ridiculous antics from year to year culminated in a year of shame like no other in 2010.  Even before going into that year, I was already on some “I swear, if this Wrangler-wearing honky retires and returns one more time, I am not only going to punch that old pasty goober in the face, I’m going to punch NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell too!!!” shit.

But that was nothing. The idiot lets a hottie*** with some dirt get the drop on him… Rookie mistake, dickwad. What the fuck, Brett?!? When you hit on a bitch behind your wife’s back, and you are a huge celebrity, you either hit it if she’s down or you fucking kill her if she’s not (See Option C: You rape her in the bathroom and let her live… Jesus H. Christopatamus!!! What is up with NFL quarterbacks these days?!?!?). That is like Cheating Rejection 101, man.

***

And you know what, here is another thing… what the fuck is up with his dumb ass name? “Brett” just screams douchebag and Favre sounds like a creature from Middle Earth. Favre? Why doesn’t he just go by “Loesch”? It sounds about the same, and evokes the same images of a dumb piece of shit that munches on rocks and his own moldy toenails. I bet his best friend is a talking donkey too…

Anyway, back to the point. Not only did he get blasted by his failed pimp game during his short time in New York, with more pathetic sexual harassment charges to follow, but he lead a contending team into the loser abyss while tarnishing and utterly destroying any thought that any person on this planet could possible still have about him still being a good quarterback.

In short, fuck Brett Favre, and his goofy face.

All that and we didn’t even talk about the dick pictures… can you believe this?  Have fun with your camera, Brett! I hope it has an insane zoom feature, as well as photoshop to hide the unkept bushels of gray pubes.

BAG IT BRETT!!!

I hope that hurt!


2. GEORGE LOPEZ

The least funny “comedian” EVER, including Carrot Top, and the reason why I now give money to border control advocates!  I would rather listen to Betty White take a Taco Bell-induced shit than listen to one of this guy’s “jokes.”  Actually, I would rather be lying underneath Betty during her shit spree, with my mouth open, than listen to this moron try to be funny.  “G-Lo” (sidenote: this retarded-burro looking mother fucker actually calls himself this…) manages to make his lack of humor even worse with his signature, and intentional, Michael J. Fox-like bug-eyed-twitches after each of his “jokes.”

Somebody needs to put an end to this clown’s talk show, or better yet George Lopez himself, ASAP!  Where the fuck is that dick-chinned Jay Leno when you actually need him?

Look at the bright side G-Lo, maybe this grade-A punch in your face will help level out all of the craters…

 

3. JENNIFER ANISTON

Jennifer Fucking Aniston!!!

God I really hate this pathetic twat.

I think she is droopy in every way possible.  Her face is droopy, her mood is droopy, and we all know her vagina is droopy. Probably has to hold it up when stepping into the shower so she doesn’t drag it on the floor…

She really is the personification of a huge pile of shit just melting in the sun of life.

Her daily routing consists of crying, pouting, sobbing, frowning and, of course, cleaning the dead flies out of Medusa (pet name for her scary vagina)

And why is she crying/pouting/sobbing/frowning all the time?  Because she (YAWN) purportedly lost her ex-husband Brad Pitt to someone way hotter, smarter, and in all ways completely better than her…

Enter HOTNESS:

Aniston’s incessant war cries:

“She stole my husband! She stole my husband!”

BITCH!!!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

THAT SHIT WAS LIKE 25 YEARS AGO!!!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

GET A LIFE!

Oh, and just so you know, Jen, it isn’t lost on us that Brad doesn’t give a fuck about you or your alleged sexual history with him (I have never seen any proof…)

See… he even laughs at you on tv with the former President:

He must have said something pretty filthy about that dusty vagina of yours to get Bill Clinton embarrassed!

Yes… Angelina laughs at you too:

About “stealing” your husband (without even having to try) and then having a litter of children with him for good measure.

Everyone laughs at you!!!

Including the hordes of men that have hit it and quit it as soon as they found out Medusa really does have fangs (including but not limited to Vince Vaughn, John Mayer, Bradley Cooper, Gerard Butler, John Goodman, Cosmo Kramer, Rosie O’Donnell, and ALF)

[NOTE: Everyone laughs at you… except for when watching one of your “comedies” (You and GLo have something in common!) Your movies seriously blow.  The only one who probably has a worse track record is Ashton Kutcher, and we all know that you two will do a movie together soon enough…]

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

 

4. DRAKE

This dumb ass deserves short shrift.

In sum, Drake is an over-hyped, piece-of-shit, Canadian, bitch-ass, little, Degrassi-acting, goofy-looking, mother-fucking, bad-singing, harbinger-of-the-end-of-rap-music as we know it!!!

If there was a national “Punch Drake in the Face Day,” the line to do so would be about 6 billion people long.  In fact, Drake’s parents would camp out for a month just to get first crack at this talentless “mother fucker” (possibly the reason his mom wants to punch him).

Why legends like Jay-Z and Eminem have vouched for this little wanker is beyond McGee.

Thanks for the target, dickwad!!!

 

 

5. JAY LENO

Needless to say, Jay Leno has always been an idiot.

Before last year, however, he was just your average wanker… an inferior late night talk show host to Dave Letterman and just kinda sorta an asshole.  Then his penisity matured, and he fully grew into the full-fledged King of Assholeville he really is, rightfully hated by every single person on this planet that is not drenched in douche, including yours truly.

His big dick move was going to network executives and ultimately causing them to give Conan the boot, after his show, which was airing at an earlier time, began to flop worse than Vlade Divac being hit with wet towels in a high school locker room.

Jimmy Kimmel will always be a hero in my eyes for what he did on Leno’s show in connection with the whole ordeal.

JIMMY KIMMEL MURDERED YOU ON YOUR OWN SHIT!!!

Jay’s show is back in it’s previous time slot and it still blows.  His chin is still bigger than his penis (I have heard) and he still has that weird, skunk-like patch of black hair.  He looks like an offspring of Davy Crockett and Launchpad McQuack.

Jay – Not only are you a weird looking, hairless sasquatch with a horrible talkshow, but Conan, the guy that you blackballed, still has a much better and more popular show than you… and he’s doing it while being on some random Spanish public access cable channel!

Como Estas, BITCHES!

As Dave Chappelle would say, “What did the five fingers say to the face?”

  

6. JUSTIN BIEBER

Ah, Justin Bieber… you have got to be kidding me with this shit.

Jay-B is so inherently punch-worthy that I don’t even really need to explain myself beyond the picture, do I?

The Biebs sounds like he/she is still at least 25 years away from hitting puberty, which at 42 would be a Guinness World Record.

NEVER!

SAY!

NEVER!!!!!!!

Jesus Christ. The world must be ending soon, right?

Even with his/her whiny, bitch-made voice, he/she still tries to act gangster for some reason (see pic above, unless of course your eyes melted the first time).  He/She is also Canadian, which is a major knock for anyone not named Pamela Anderson.

Yes, that pic was extremely necessary.  Otherwise, I would have to stick a steak knife in my eye immediately after finishing this post.

Bieber made headlines recently for getting a fucking haircut.  Shedding the bowl-cut would have to help him/her become more of a man, right?  WRONG!  “He” obviously went to his barber and asked for the “Ellen DeGeneres.”

Parents, if your daughter is in the “Belieber” cult and thinks he/she is hot, there is a great chance that your daughter will grow up loving women, and will change her name to Pedro and/or Bam Bam.  Consider yourselves warned…

Congratulations Bieber, I am awarding you the 2011 Grammy for “Best Punch in the Face!”

Agreed.


7. THE KARDASHIAN FAMILY

“O’Doyle… I gotta feelin’ your whole family’s going down.”

That’s how it is with Team Kryptonite Tits here.  But instead of a stationwagon falling down a cliff after slipping on a banana peel like the O’Doyle family, the Kardashian family would more likely walk off the cliff willingly like dumb ass lemmings.  Or it’d be JUST like Billy Madison, except a Benz or an Aston Martin would replace the stationwagon like muh fuckin’ Quantum Of Solace and shit…

Alright that really had nothing to do with the Kardashians… but scene is sick, amiright?!?

Let’s get serious for a second here. John Goodman’s left testicle’s dumbest pubic hair is smarter than the collective IQ of the Kardashian family.

On the other hand, Kim is hot as fuck.  Exhibit A:

It’s kinda like Jessica Simpson back in the day (before she became the female John Candy)… stupid as shit to the extent that you can’t help but hate her, but so fucking hot.

Kourtney isn’t bad looking either. She is a super bitch, but at least she’s a hot super bitch.

I can give Kim and Kourtney’s tits props… BUT THAT’S WHERE IT STOPS!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is where shit gets really crazy. What you are about to see is not suitable for children, elders, or any age in between. You have been warned. Sister 3… Khloe

GOO!!!!

What in the fuck is that?!?!? THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY SHE IS RELATED TO THEM!!! This reminds me of another family…

So what do you think happened? “Khloe” was a sasquatch baby left on the Kardashian’s doorstep, and they were just too kind stupid to tell her the truth?

The rest of the family is no better. Shit, the best thing Momma K can do is pick the dingle berries out of Big Foot Khloe’s fat furry ass…

Isn’t it cute how they all have names that start with K? It’s the Kunt, the Kocksucker, and KING KONG!

Where is the Sergio Leone of porn when you need him? This has definite spaghetti western trilogy potential: “Fistful of Tits,” “For A Few Dollars More…” (no change necessary), and of course, the finale: “The Dumb, The Bitchy & The Hungry.”

This family is going to need more than one punch! We need to wrecking ball that whole dysfunctional household!!!

 

 

HEY!!! Don’t forget me, guys!!!!

Don’t worry, NEANDERTHAL FUCKER, we didn’t!

  

8. REX RYAN

Rex, the Head Coach of the “New Yawk” Jets, is one of the most arrogant bastards on the face of the earth.

He is so fat and retarded that his wife had to resort to fucking other people’s feet instead of him.

The sexy specimen?

Rex…

Your wife…

WOOF!!!

That was either Rex’s wife, Michelle Ryan, or Miss Doubtfire!

Rumor has it that she fit both of D’Brickashaw Ferguson’s size 17s inside of her at the same time (which is the rough equivalent of 1/8 of John Goodman’s penis).

“Put me in Ms. Ryan, I’m ready to play!”

T Rex… you are the one of the most annoying, odorous, shit-talking coaches to ever waddle the sidelines in the NFL.

You had your Assistant Coach trip a member of the Dolphins’ return team.

You eat chocolate covered butter sticks by the dozens.

You look like this with your shirt off:

For this, and 1,956,002 other reasons, you deserve a punch in the face (I almost said knuckle sandwich, but that would have just made Rex hungrier, and we sure as shit don’t need that).

Rex!?  I said “PUNCH”, not “KICK”!!! You sick foot loving freak!!!

Stay down!

There we go, you fat hippo fuck!!!

CHECK BACK TOMORROW TO SEE WHO ELSE YOURS TRULY, MONSIEUR CITIZEN MCGEE, PUNCHES IN THE FACE…

  

9. GEORGE LOPEZ

The least funny “comedian” EVER, including Carrot Top, and the reason why I now give money to border control advocates!  I would rather listen to Betty White take a Taco Bell-induced shit…

 Wait a second… anyone else feeling Deja Vu?

 Did I already do this?

WELL GOOD!!!

CAUSE THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT DESERVES TWO OF MY PUNCHES!!! BETTER YET, I WANT TO GET MIKE TYSON UP IN THIS BITCH TO PUNCH LOPEZ AND THEN FORCIBLY RAPE HIS UNFUNNY ASS!!!

You know how there are those comedies that really suck but the previews are aiight, just loaded with the only funny parts?  Well G.Lo’s dumb ass is so inexcusably not funny that even his fucking previews for his show are so embarrasingly devoid of humor that I have a hard time not throwing my dog at the tv when they come on, even though I’m just waiting for Conan to come back on!

FUCK YOU LOPEZ!!! 

PLEASE JUST STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT AND DIE SOMEWHERE YOU WON’T BOTHER ME!

 

 

10. LEBRON JAMES

Fuck you Lebron James.

Fuck you and your stupid iron-flat fat-ass block-head fucking dome.  Are you an enemy to Gumby or did Kevin McAllister just get through with you? I’m guessing both.

Fuck you and your self-promoted and self-centered “King” nickname.

Are you serious with this shit?

King of what? King of being a fucking loser? So you were born with some crazy genes. Who fucking cares? That just makes it worse.  If I lost an arm wrestling match to a three year old, that would be bad. Much worse than if the loss was suffered by another similarly built three year old. Simple fucking concept there, dipshit (Wait, maybe not… perhaps you should have gone to school after all you god damned retard). Anyway, that is you, Lebron. WASTED FUCKING GENES. If there is a God (there isn’t) he’s laughing his sick fucking ass off over you. One of the greatest human practical jokes, you are.

Your ego is out of fucking control. We are all witnesses? I wish… witnesses to a suicide you fucking prick.

Fuck you for forcing me to have to stop hating Kobe after hating him for so many glorious years because even he, rapist and all, is a better NBA poster child than your dumb ass.

Fuck you for trying to wear Michael Jordan’s number. You are a pathetic fucking disgrace to that number. You shouldn’t even be allowed to wear a number. You should have to wear a fucking female gender symbol, an ampersand, and a fucking tampon in your giant vagina.

Fuck you and your failure to grasp why you suck so much. You can’t just play when you want to, idiot. And you can’t win by yourself. Or with just your butt buddy D-Wade.

Or with your sometimes sex slave Bosh.

You need to make your whole team better, lead by example, and not give up.  You’ll never understand that, because you are a fucking moron.

Fuck you and your ego. From your “free agent” tour, to “The Decision,” to “I’m taking my talents to South Beach,” to the “What should I do?” commercial.  Do you seriously not realize how much of a fucking tool you are?!?

This awesome Asian says it all:

In sum, fuck you bitch.

Die slow.

  

11. Miley Cyrus

Yeah… that’s her dad… So?  

What’s the big deal?

That’s normal, right? Aren’t all us men supposed to grow out mullets, wear cowboy boots, and have sex with our daughters?

No?

Oh.

Way to tell me now…

The biggest problem with Miley Cyrus is that the coolest thing about Miley Cyrus is that her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus… Catch my drift?

A lot of celebrity tart dipshit morons could have made my esteemed Hawaiian Punch list, but Miley is the lucky winner. LiLo got close. But alas, because she has far better tits than Miley Mosquito Bites, crackhead received the last second McGee pardon.

Just like those big scrumptious titties seem to work as a Get Out Of Jail Free Card with the legal system, so too do they work as such with McGee.

No. The worst, hands down, is Miley. 

Or as I like to call her… the most annoying bitch that ever lived.

 I think Miley’s characteristics actually have competitions with each other over which characteristic (e.g. voice, laugh, eyes) can be most annoying.

Want to see why Miley Cyrus needs my fist in her face?

Words of advice, Hannah Montana:

First, get yourself a boob job so your side cleavage stops looking like three-week-old pancakes…

Second, make a fucking dentist appointment.

You know, Austin Powers, in the 21st Century there have been fabulous advancements in the field of dentistry…

Finally, take a fist to your Disney-imbred face!!!

PEACE, BITCH!!!

  

12. Tom Brady & Bill Belichick

Isn’t it great to see such a happy lesbian couple in professional sports?  In case you are wondering, Annette Bening is the pissed off one in the pink sneakers, cut off sweatshirt, and short hair, and Julianne Moore is the insecure “pretty” one with the long hair…  

These guys are both total fucking douchebags and assholes, and they have been for years.

I mean… Shit! Billy Boy has got to be the most diabolical evil genius since Lord Krang…

What a fucking cheater!

Makes sense I guess… the cranky old bastard does look like he’s from Middle Earth… 

  

And then there’s the darling little Tom Brady

Look at that fucking chin!!!!

LOOK CLOSER!!!

Doesn’t it sorta kinda remind you… of Kim Kardashian’s enormous ass!?!

And as if one similarity to an esteemed member of my “Hawaiian Punch” team isn’t already enough…

Bieber.

Ah fuck.

This is just ridiculous.

Almost as ridiculous as the fact that Tom Brady’s douchiness is so extreme that he actually makes these goobers look somewhat cool by contrast:

Tom Brady is not only the biggest dickhead quarterback ever, but he’s a moron jackass off the field as well.

Remember her?

Yeah, the one Tom left while she was pregnant with his evil seed? Smooth, Tom…

I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON BILL’S OLD ASS SMELLY TESTICLES YOU RAT FUCKER!!!

I’m only one man, so I’ll have to enlist a friend to punch Bill…

“BUT I WANNA PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN THE NUTS!!!”

Ok, Eric…

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Cartoon Society

 

You are stranded on an island.

You have no friends.

There isn’t even a volleyball to hallucinate a friendship with.

There are enough resources for you and 12 cartoon characters.

Which mini-society would you choose to live in?

 

 

McGEE SOCIETY (#1)

1. Fred Flintstone (The Flintstones)

 2. Peter Griffin (Family Guy)

 3. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

 

 

 

 

Roles In Society: Co-Mayors / Beer Drinkers / Wife Beaters / BFFFs.
 
Can you picture these guys hanging out? PANDEMONIUM!!! The town’s Mt. Rushmore includes these three and, of course, donkey dong John Goodman!

 


4. Wile E. Coyote (Looney Tunes)

 Role In Society: Town Inventor / Pest Remover / Hunter


5. Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

Role In Society: Town Whore / Stripper / Soccer Mom / Librarian / Cheerleader / Nurse / French Maid / Pornstar


6. The Joker (Batman: The Animated Series)

Role In Society: Town Batman Villain / Jester / Choir Soprano


 

7. Genie (Aladdin)

Role In Society: Town Child Molester


 

 

8. Cartman (South Park)

 

Role In Society: Town Genius / Town NASCAR Driver / Town KFC Provider / Town Coon


9. Shaggy (Scooby Doo)

Role In Society: Town Pothead / Ghost Catcher / Mystery Solver / Pet Molester (watch out Stitch!)


10. Stewie Griffin (Family Guy)
 

Role In Society: Town Football (Watch out for Genie, Stewball!)


11. Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)

Role In Society: Town Pet


12. Patrick Star (Spongebob Squarepants)

Role In Society: Town Astronaut / Brain Surgeon

 

 

 

SOCIETY McGEE (#2)

1. Randy Marsh (South Park)

 

 

Roles In Society: Town Drama Queen / Geologist / Genius

 
2. Michaelangelo (TMNT)

 

Roles In Society: Town Crime Stopper / Town Club Promoter / Town Pizzeria Owner / Slang Specialist / Mutant

 
3. Beavis (Beavis and Butthead)

 

Roles In Society: Town Loser / Drug Addict / Music Video Critic / Four Loko Drinker

 
4. Popeye (Popeye)

 

Roles In Society: Town Personal Trainer / Bouncer / Pimp / Sailor

 
5. Ren (Ren and Stimpy)

 

Roles In Society: Town Pe(s)t / Dog?

 
6. Yosemite Sam (Looney Toons)

 

 

Roles In Society: Town Gangster / Gun Shop Owner / Ginger / Midget / Ginger-Midget Cowboy


 

7. Fat Albert (Fat Albert)

 

Roles In Society: Town Token Black Guy / Garbage Disposal / Shade Provider / Baller

 
8. Jimmy Vulmer (South Park)

 

Roles In Society: Town Comedian / Popeye’s Steroid Provider / Boy Scout

 
9. Moe (The Simpsons)

Roles In Society: Town Bartender / Alcoholic / Porn Distributor / OG

 
10. Slimer (Ghost Busters)

Roles In Society: Town Slimey Thing / Booger

 
11. Skeletor (He-Man)

 

Roles In Society: Town Anatomy Teacher / Bad Ass / Interior Designer

 
12. Optimus Prime (Transformers)

Roles In Society: Town Transportation / Protector / Robot


 

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Citizen McGee’s Top Lyricists

If lyrics sold

Truth be told

I’d probably be

One of these lyricists

Praised by McGee…

  

Citizen McGee’s 12 Favorite Lyricists

(In No Particular Order)

  

Notorious B.I.G.

The late, great, king of the Rap game.

As we all know, heavy was the head that wore this crown, or as his royal highness put it in his own words… Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.

As another lyricist on this list aptly exclaimed to an unworthy pretender:

“The Greatest Rapper Of All Time Died On March 9th!”

Rest in peace BIG!!!

Peep his amazing Notorious Thugs” verse:

 

GZA / GENIUS

The Grandmaster Genius is the undisputed head of Wu-Tang’s Voltron.  He is the glue that holds it all together, armed with liquid swords and a mastership of the art of wordplay.

His classic concept track “Fame,” built on the lyrical foundations of celebrity names, is provided here for your enjoyment:

(click on the “Watch on YouTube” link in the new window that opens after clicking below)

 

RAKIM

The pioneer of internal rhyme patterns, Rakim is a legendary lyricist…

He Ain’t No Joke!

You don’t believe me? Let him tell you for himself, and don’t kid yourself… this work is from 19 fuckin’ 87! Jordan was still as ringless as Lebron is today!

(click on the “Watch on YouTube” link in the new window that opens after clicking below)

 

JAY-Z

We all wonder what would have / could have / should have been if Suge and his bastard cronies hadn’t popped off BIG and Pac in ’96 and ’97… but unless you know the secret song to ImaginationLand, or have some kick ass hallucinogens in your system, those questions are just not going to be answered, son.

In their absence, BIG’s protege inherited the throne.

“And if I ain’t better than BIG, I’m the closest one…”

I’ll allow him to introduce himself…

(click on the “Watch on YouTube” link in the new window that opens after clicking below)


 

EMINEM

Remember when it was a fact that white boys couldn’t rap?

Who would have thought that a cracker ass cracker would churn out the best lyrical output of all time?!?!

Don’t let me tell you… listen to what the other lyricists have to say:

JAY-Z from “A Star Is Born”: “…what Em did was silly, The white boy blossomed after Dre endorsed him, His flow in Renegade… fuckin’ awesome, applaud him”

NAS from “Ether”: “And Eminem murdered you (Jay-Z) on your own shit (Renegade)”

EMINEM himself on “We’re Back”:

Nothin’ can stop and nothin’ can change it
You better just make new living arrangements
If you think you’re the top and king of the castle
You’re about to get thrown off the throne and ripped a new asshole
All I hear is, “I’m best at this” and “I’m best at that”
But I don’t hear my name, no, man, brought up in rap
And I don’t usually trip or dare get caught up in that
But when they say one of the best, I’m nowhere thought of as that
Not even the same league as Jay-Z
Nas, Pac, Biggie or maybe they’ll name me
Somewhere down at the bottom right after AZ
or say “He ripped that Biggie verse or that Jay-Z
Yo, his verses were crazy on that Renegade beat…”

 

NAS

From Illmatic to Stillmatic, Nas has been always moving forward, never backwards” as represented best by the raw and rugged epic “New York State Of Mind” from his debut album.

(click on the “Watch on YouTube” link in the new window that opens after clicking below)



CANIBUS

Canibus is a unique talent; a highly intelligent lyricist who can spit ghost pepper hot rhymes for hundreds of bars at a time, as demonstrated below in his “Master Thesis”  

 

ANDRE 3000

Is Andre 3000 even human?  I have serious doubts.  I think he’s probably a robot alien pirate jesus.  The guy’s skills are so out of this world that you can’t even blame him for giving Rap the cold shoulder.  He died for your sins, bitches!!!

Having that said, come back Andre 3000!  Second Coming!

(click on the “Watch on YouTube” link in the new window that opens after clicking below)

 

BIG PUNISHER

He may sound like he’s having a heart attack between bars, but Pun brings the pain with his quick style and brilliantly laced rhymes.

Case in point: “Dream Shatterer”

(click on the “Watch on YouTube” link in the new window that opens after clicking below)

 

R.A. THE RUGGED MAN

The rapper who is “Mad Famous For Being Unknown” is quite possibly the greatest lyricist that has ever blessed the mic.  He loves to be hated, which is why you might not even know who he is.

But you should…

His piece de resistance: “Uncommon Valor”

As an added bonus, check out a mixed collection of some of RA’s most notable verses…



GHOSTFACE KILLAH

Yo! Yo! The always entertaining Sultan of Slang exhibits his one-of-a-kind dart throwin’, strawberry kiwi spittin’, artistic Ghost Deini prowess havin’, Clark Wallabee versatility wearin’, straight up Balls of Steel gutter-as-fuck yet smooth-as-silk style in the masterpiece that is “Mighty Healthy”

(click on the “Watch on YouTube” link in the new window that opens after clicking below)

 

KOOL G RAP

The esteemed pioneer of multisyllabic rapping and one of the originators of mafia rap is known as a “Hip Hop Godfather” for good reason.

The Don shows off his patented skills in “Cannon Fire.”



 

 Please check out my top rap albums of 2010 post!

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments