I, Citizen McGee, am now King of the World.
Hooray for me!
For my first 10 acts as your Ruler, my bitches…
I decree as follows:
1. FLASH RIGHTS
If my royal highness (me)
OK, I’m going to tell you a little secret… It’s pretty much always going to be the top.
2. POCKETS OF HOTNESS
When I let out a bird call…
How am I supposed to get them to you in 30 seconds?
3. DRAKE’S NEW JOB.
Drake must move to Utah, where he will spend the rest of his life tasting every man’s piss in the world.
If Drake dies of overconsumption of man piss, nothing changes, and men still have to journey, and they still have to piss in, on and around Drake’s mouth.
Once every man has pissed in, on, and around Drake’s mouth, he will be assassinated by rabid donkeys who have been trained to bite the dicks of Drakes like uncooked hot dog weiners.
Any “male” wearing skinny jeans (I’m looking at you, Kanye) will be taken to a distant cave where you will be tortured in the following ways:
(and if you are black, Lisa Lampanelli too)
5. LITERALLY DECAPITATED.
If anyone, and I mean anyone, uses the word “literally” incorrectly, my asian mistress/triad lord samurai gets to literally collect your fucking head.
6. I DO WHAT I WANT!
As King, I may now rebroadcast or retransmit any Major League Baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
Take that Bud Selig, you gerbil-looking mother fucker!!
I AM KING KONG IN THIS BITCH!
7. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO… NOTHING.
Citizen McGee, as king of the world, does not believe in “human rights” bullshit.
8. ADIOS AGUA.
All water will be removed from my kingdom immediately.
9. GOD IS DEAD.
Religion is bad, mmmmm-k?
No religion allowed, unless it involves Citizen McGee as God (promotion from King already?!?!), lots of hot chicks, and ritualistic orgies.
10. SCHOOL IS FOR FOOLS.
There shall be no schools in McGee Land. The only professor that is allowed is Mr. John Goodman, who shall teach the art of excessive eating, looking handsome (no homo) and having a witty sense of humor that the bitches love.