King McGee

I, Citizen McGee, am now King of the World.

Hooray for me!

Let’s get down to business.

For my first 10 acts as your Ruler, my bitches…

I decree as follows:

1. FLASH RIGHTS

If my royal highness (me)

points at you (hot chick)…

…and nods, you must strip down…

Then, per McGee World law, I will choose, with my infinite Z-ness (knowledge, wisdom, and understanding), still by demonstrative movement only, either the TOP or the BOTTOM…

…after which choice you must release that half of your remaining clothing entrapment as well.

OK, I’m going to tell you a little secret… It’s pretty much always going to be the top.

Of course I’ll let you keep the other part on… unless, that is, you just want to take it off? I mean, I’m not going to stop you or anything…

2. POCKETS OF HOTNESS

When I let out a bird call…

…the closest peasant (you!) to me has 30 seconds to deliver me 2 warm Hot Pockets in any variety that I choose. 

If they are not presented to me in the allotted 30 seconds, a porcupine will be shoved up your mother fuckin’ slacker’s ass. 

I know what you are thinking… Don’t Hot Pockets take 3 minutes and 30 seconds to heat to their ideal temperature? 

How am I supposed to get them to you in 30 seconds?

Sounds like you have a problem…

3. DRAKE’S NEW JOB.

Drake must move to Utah, where he will spend the rest of his life tasting every man’s piss in the world.

Every man, according to a schedule set by my ambassador of piss (Michael Rappaport), will have to make the journey to Utah to piss in, on, and around Drake’s mouth. 

If Drake dies of overconsumption of man piss, nothing changes, and men still have to journey, and they still have to piss in, on and around Drake’s mouth.

Once every man has pissed in, on, and around Drake’s mouth, he will be assassinated by rabid donkeys who have been trained to bite the dicks of Drakes like uncooked hot dog weiners.

He better hope we keep populating men with the capacity to piss…

 4. NUT-HUGGERS.

Any “male” wearing skinny jeans (I’m looking at you, Kanye) will be taken to a distant cave where you will be tortured in the following ways:

  A) You will all be molested by Artie Lange

(and if you are black, Lisa Lampanelli too)


  B) You will be forced to eat nothing but cuttle-fish

C) I will burn your jeans while you are still wearing them

  D) You will be forced to watch 10 minutes of a random Ashton Kutcher movie

After all of this, you will apologize, and then you will be promptly shot in the face “just for livin’.”

5. LITERALLY DECAPITATED.

If anyone, and I mean anyone, uses the word “literally” incorrectly, my asian mistress/triad lord samurai gets to literally collect your fucking head.

 
 

6.  I DO WHAT I WANT!

As King, I may now rebroadcast or retransmit any Major League Baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. 

Take that Bud Selig, you gerbil-looking mother fucker!!

 I AM KING KONG IN THIS BITCH!

NO! LITERALLY!

 7. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO… NOTHING.

Citizen McGee, as king of the world, does not believe in “human rights” bullshit.

So, if McGee wants you dead, you’re dead.

If McGee wants your girl, he’s going to fuck the shit out of her…

…and if you complain about it, you’re dead.

If you have a cool new pog, and McGee wants that pog because it is shiny and it catches his  attention, that pog is McGee’s!!!

Go ahead and try to rebel. McGee will eat your face.

8. ADIOS AGUA. 

All water will be removed from my kingdom immediately. 

All fountains, wells, rivers and lakes will be filled with chocolate milk. 

Shower heads will now only spew out hot cocoa, bars of soap will be replaced with chocolate bars and shampoo will now be Hershey’s syrup (fuck hygiene).

Sorry Bobby Boucher, but water sucks!

9. GOD IS DEAD.

Religion is bad, mmmmm-k? 

No religion allowed, unless it involves Citizen McGee as God (promotion from King already?!?!), lots of hot chicks, and ritualistic orgies.

10. SCHOOL IS FOR FOOLS. 

There shall be no schools in McGee Land.  The only professor that is allowed is Mr. John Goodman, who shall teach the art of excessive eating, looking handsome (no homo) and having a witty sense of humor that the bitches love.

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One Response to King McGee

  1. Walter says:

    No blogs since July? Unacceptable.

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