Best Sports Teams… Literally

Most sports fans have a fairly easy time determining who is the best team in the league at a given time.  Subjectively, it’s usually his or her favorite and/or local team (even if it’s a team as horrible as, say, the 2010-2011 Cleveland Cavaliers).  Objectively,  one might look at a team’s record, players and coaches to help come to a conclusion on the league’s powerhouse team.   Well, that would be all fine and dandy in a fantasy world where humans played sports…

I, Citizen McGee, will now decree the 12 most dominant sports franchises in the four major sports, based on their team names… LITERALLY!  That’s right, the Los Angeles Lakers would consist of a team of actual lakes (little tranquil, bitch ones too), the Colorado Rockies would have a team of fucking mountains, and the Green Bay Packers would have a team “filled” with butt-packers (ok, no change there, but you get the point).

Just so everyone is on the same page, the 12 teams below will be competing in the NFL, which is the most obvious battlefield among the four major sports (although I bet a shark could throw a helluva fastball…). 

Here is the 12-team league, in no particular order, with each team consisting of 52 of “whatever the fuck their team name is”…

Welcome to the blood-bath!!



 Whoever doesn’t think sharks are awesome is a liar, a piece of shit, and someone I just don’t fucking like.

Sharks kick ass. It’s science. Read a book, Mohammed.

 And let’s face it… even if sharks can’t move around on land or breathe out of water, a dead shark is still shit-your-pants-fucking-scary, am I right?


Raptors are fast, ferocious and have baby arms.  They are crazy dinosaurs, and if movies teach us anything, they are smart enough to learn how to use door handles in record time when doing so might help them acquire delicious children to eat (thank god Michael Jackson never learned how to do that…) 

This team would be even more dangerous with their HRIC (Head Raptor In Charge), who inexplainably actually looks exactly like a half-man, half-raptor:


The titans were gigantic (hence “titanic”) Gods that ruled the planet.

Do you need more? 

Then they fought in the bad-ass-sounding “Titanomachy” (War of the Titans) against Zeus and all them well known mutha fuckas.  

Speaking of bad ass names, their name starts with “tit,” which could only get better if they were called “Boobatons” or something similar.

Additionally, ‘Remember the Titans,’ the film, stars a very young Ryan Gosling, AVON FUCKING BARKSDALE (!!!), and of course, “my man,” Denzel.   



 Yes, I know… Kings are ordinary human beings.  And a lot of them suck.  I just really liked the idea of the Burger King King, King Arthur and Rodney King hitting the field together!


 Again, I am fully aware that pirates are human beings, but these mother fuckers fight dirty.  I’m not talking about the bitch-ass rock-throwing pirates in Somalia… These pirates actually got swords and shit!


 Who is seriously going to tempt a team of fucking devils?  They have pitch forks, they play with fire, and I’m pretty sure they have the ability to turn Coke into Pepsi.




A team of natural disasters?  Are you shitting me? 



Weather would certainly be an issue in this game…


I’m really not certain how any team could beat a collection of wizards and their magic. 

After all, wizards could turn themselves into a team of crazy ass Charlie Sheens if they wanted to! 

They could also turn the opposing team into a team of Richard Simmons!


Does anyone really know how hot the sun’s surface really is?  Huh?  Do you?  It’s 11,000 degrees (F)!  I sure feel sorry for the Kings when they have to play the Suns.  Devils might come out aiight though…

On another note… how the fuck is this an appropriate mascot?


OK, I really am not sure that a team of rockets would be able to even hold or throw the football (or run the old statue of liberty play), but I do know if you lined up 11 rockets side-by-side, the other team would not physically be able to get around them.  D-Fence!


 God damn, this team would be spooky!  Not only are these things deadly and creepy, but they also have an absolutely dominant runningback:


 While their only tactic may be overpowering teams with their brute strength, the Giants also have some very skilled athletes:



 John “Donkey Dong” Goodman!

If you like this post, please check out my list of Worst Sports Teams… Literally!

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9 Responses to Best Sports Teams… Literally

  1. Pingback: Worst Sports Teams… Literally! | Citizen McGee

  2. Jimbo says:

    This is hilarious! Can’t wait to see a worst sports team list!

  3. Shittiest literal teams:

    – Red Wings (not even a bird attached to them, just 52 pairs of disembodied wings? Hardly intimidating)
    – Padres (though they would scare a team called the Alterboys, if one existed)
    – Cubs (any team made up of babies, no matter how fearsome the adults they’ll grow up to be, is at a serious disadvantage)
    – Mets (a team consisting of the past tense of the verb ‘to meet’ — how does this squad actually function?)
    – Pacers (perhaps in with a chance against a team of Pintos or Gremlins, otherwise …)
    – Jazz
    – Blue Jackets
    – Senators
    – Ducks
    – Capitals

  4. magnus says:

    I voted Suns. Our star produces all the energy that sustains life. Everything exists because the Sun provides energy for life. The sun is able to do this by fusing 4 Hydrogen atoms to generate 1 helium atom. However, the mass of the Helium atom is approximately 0.7% less massive than the combination mass of the 4 hydrogen atoms. To prevent a violation of the Law of Conservation of Mass that is one of the governing laws of the universe, the ‘missing’ mass is converted into energy. This energy is what gives life to everything on Earth.

  5. citizenmcgee says:

    For sure! Shittiest teams post will be coming soon!

  6. J says:

    How can you include pirates and leave out vikings? Vikings are basically pirates with more back hair right?

    Can we have a list of the shittiest literal team names? I nominate red socks. By far the pussiest team possible would be a bunch of socks.

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