You close your eyes. You’re trying to relax. You turned your television down before doing so, but apparently not enough. All of a sudden you hear it. The voice. It strikes you like the sound of the child of Mr. NailsOnAChalkboard and Ms. FranDrescher’sLaugh screaming while being raped by a ferocious man-bear-pig. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The voice you hear when you’re just trying to get a peace of mind, go about your daily business, live your life, jack off without interruption, etc… is the voice of that mother fuckin’ bastard ass celebrity that you hate with all of your might. You would give anything to punch that piece of shit right in the FACE! RIGHT IN THE FACE!
Well guess what… I feel ya, bro. McGee too suffers from the same affliction.
So I’ll tell you what. I’m going to unleash a series on you right now. The first ever Citizen McGee post series. You should feel mighty special.
I call it the “HAWAIIAN PUNCH-THAT-BITCH-ASS-CELEBRITY IN THE FACE!!!” series.
One new bitch ass celebrity a day for 13 lucky days… check in to see the new installments, feel free to comment on who you would like to punch in the face (maybe you’ll sway me to agree with you) whenever you want, and most definitely come back after the series is over to vote on who you would like to punch the most out of all the worthy nominees.
So who is first on the list? Point the way, Hawaiian Punchy!
1. BRETT FAVRE
Yup! It’s the dick-picture-taker! God what a fucking fall from grace, huh? How does that line from The Dark Knight go?
“You either die a hero or live to see yourself become the villain.”
Well… Favre definitely didn’t die a hero. His petty, repetitive, downright fucking ridiculous antics from year to year culminated in a year of shame like no other in 2010. Even before going into that year, I was already on some “I swear, if this Wrangler-wearing honky retires and returns one more time, I am not only going to punch that old pasty goober in the face, I’m going to punch NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell too!!!” shit.
But that was nothing. The idiot lets a hottie*** with some dirt get the drop on him… Rookie mistake, dickwad. What the fuck, Brett?!? When you hit on a bitch behind your wife’s back, and you are a huge celebrity, you either hit it if she’s down or you fucking kill her if she’s not (See Option C: You rape her in the bathroom and let her live… Jesus H. Christopatamus!!! What is up with NFL quarterbacks these days?!?!?). That is like Cheating Rejection 101, man.
And you know what, here is another thing… what the fuck is up with his dumb ass name? “Brett” just screams douchebag and Favre sounds like a creature from Middle Earth. Favre? Why doesn’t he just go by “Loesch”? It sounds about the same, and evokes the same images of a dumb piece of shit that munches on rocks and his own moldy toenails. I bet his best friend is a talking donkey too…
Anyway, back to the point. Not only did he get blasted by his failed pimp game during his short time in New York, with more pathetic sexual harassment charges to follow, but he lead a contending team into the loser abyss while tarnishing and utterly destroying any thought that any person on this planet could possible still have about him still being a good quarterback.
In short, fuck Brett Favre, and his goofy face.
All that and we didn’t even talk about the dick pictures… can you believe this? Have fun with your camera, Brett! I hope it has an insane zoom feature, as well as photoshop to hide the unkept bushels of gray pubes.
BAG IT BRETT!!!
2. GEORGE LOPEZ
The least funny “comedian” EVER, including Carrot Top, and the reason why I now give money to border control advocates! I would rather listen to Betty White take a Taco Bell-induced shit than listen to one of this guy’s “jokes.” Actually, I would rather be lying underneath Betty during her shit spree, with my mouth open, than listen to this moron try to be funny. “G-Lo” (sidenote: this retarded-burro looking mother fucker actually calls himself this…) manages to make his lack of humor even worse with his signature, and intentional, Michael J. Fox-like bug-eyed-twitches after each of his “jokes.”
Somebody needs to put an end to this clown’s talk show, or better yet George Lopez himself, ASAP! Where the fuck is that dick-chinned Jay Leno when you actually need him?
Look at the bright side G-Lo, maybe this grade-A punch in your face will help level out all of the craters…
3. JENNIFER ANISTON
God I really hate this pathetic twat.
I think she is droopy in every way possible. Her face is droopy, her mood is droopy, and we all know her vagina is droopy. Probably has to hold it up when stepping into the shower so she doesn’t drag it on the floor…
She really is the personification of a huge pile of shit just melting in the sun of life.
Her daily routing consists of crying, pouting, sobbing, frowning and, of course, cleaning the dead flies out of Medusa (pet name for her scary vagina)
And why is she crying/pouting/sobbing/frowning all the time? Because she (YAWN) purportedly lost her ex-husband Brad Pitt to someone way hotter, smarter, and in all ways completely better than her…
Aniston’s incessant war cries:
“She stole my husband! She stole my husband!”
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?
THAT SHIT WAS LIKE 25 YEARS AGO!!!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
GET A LIFE!
Oh, and just so you know, Jen, it isn’t lost on us that Brad doesn’t give a fuck about you or your alleged sexual history with him (I have never seen any proof…)
See… he even laughs at you on tv with the former President:
Yes… Angelina laughs at you too:
About “stealing” your husband (without even having to try) and then having a litter of children with him for good measure.
Everyone laughs at you!!!
Including the hordes of men that have hit it and quit it as soon as they found out Medusa really does have fangs (including but not limited to Vince Vaughn, John Mayer, Bradley Cooper, Gerard Butler, John Goodman, Cosmo Kramer, Rosie O’Donnell, and ALF)
[NOTE: Everyone laughs at you… except for when watching one of your “comedies” (You and GLo have something in common!) Your movies seriously blow. The only one who probably has a worse track record is Ashton Kutcher, and we all know that you two will do a movie together soon enough…]
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!
This dumb ass deserves short shrift.
In sum, Drake is an over-hyped, piece-of-shit, Canadian, bitch-ass, little, Degrassi-acting, goofy-looking, mother-fucking, bad-singing, harbinger-of-the-end-of-rap-music as we know it!!!
If there was a national “Punch Drake in the Face Day,” the line to do so would be about 6 billion people long. In fact, Drake’s parents would camp out for a month just to get first crack at this talentless “mother fucker” (possibly the reason his mom wants to punch him).
Why legends like Jay-Z and Eminem have vouched for this little wanker is beyond McGee.
Thanks for the target, dickwad!!!
5. JAY LENO
Needless to say, Jay Leno has always been an idiot.
Before last year, however, he was just your average wanker… an inferior late night talk show host to Dave Letterman and just kinda sorta an asshole. Then his penisity matured, and he fully grew into the full-fledged King of Assholeville he really is, rightfully hated by every single person on this planet that is not drenched in douche, including yours truly.
His big dick move was going to network executives and ultimately causing them to give Conan the boot, after his show, which was airing at an earlier time, began to flop worse than Vlade Divac being hit with wet towels in a high school locker room.
Jimmy Kimmel will always be a hero in my eyes for what he did on Leno’s show in connection with the whole ordeal.
JIMMY KIMMEL MURDERED YOU ON YOUR OWN SHIT!!!
Jay’s show is back in it’s previous time slot and it still blows. His chin is still bigger than his penis (I have heard) and he still has that weird, skunk-like patch of black hair. He looks like an offspring of Davy Crockett and Launchpad McQuack.
Jay – Not only are you a weird looking, hairless sasquatch with a horrible talkshow, but Conan, the guy that you blackballed, still has a much better and more popular show than you… and he’s doing it while being on some random Spanish public access cable channel!
Como Estas, BITCHES!
As Dave Chappelle would say, “What did the five fingers say to the face?”
6. JUSTIN BIEBER
Ah, Justin Bieber… you have got to be kidding me with this shit.
Jay-B is so inherently punch-worthy that I don’t even really need to explain myself beyond the picture, do I?
The Biebs sounds like he/she is still at least 25 years away from hitting puberty, which at 42 would be a Guinness World Record.
Jesus Christ. The world must be ending soon, right?
Even with his/her whiny, bitch-made voice, he/she still tries to act gangster for some reason (see pic above, unless of course your eyes melted the first time). He/She is also Canadian, which is a major knock for anyone not named Pamela Anderson.
Yes, that pic was extremely necessary. Otherwise, I would have to stick a steak knife in my eye immediately after finishing this post.
Bieber made headlines recently for getting a fucking haircut. Shedding the bowl-cut would have to help him/her become more of a man, right? WRONG! “He” obviously went to his barber and asked for the “Ellen DeGeneres.”
Parents, if your daughter is in the “Belieber” cult and thinks he/she is hot, there is a great chance that your daughter will grow up loving women, and will change her name to Pedro and/or Bam Bam. Consider yourselves warned…
Congratulations Bieber, I am awarding you the 2011 Grammy for “Best Punch in the Face!”
7. THE KARDASHIAN FAMILY
“O’Doyle… I gotta feelin’ your whole family’s going down.”
That’s how it is with Team Kryptonite Tits here. But instead of a stationwagon falling down a cliff after slipping on a banana peel like the O’Doyle family, the Kardashian family would more likely walk off the cliff willingly like dumb ass lemmings. Or it’d be JUST like Billy Madison, except a Benz or an Aston Martin would replace the stationwagon like muh fuckin’ Quantum Of Solace and shit…
Alright that really had nothing to do with the Kardashians… but scene is sick, amiright?!?
Let’s get serious for a second here. John Goodman’s left testicle’s dumbest pubic hair is smarter than the collective IQ of the Kardashian family.
On the other hand, Kim is hot as fuck. Exhibit A:
It’s kinda like Jessica Simpson back in the day (before she became the female John Candy)… stupid as shit to the extent that you can’t help but hate her, but so fucking hot.
Kourtney isn’t bad looking either. She is a super bitch, but at least she’s a hot super bitch.
I can give Kim and Kourtney’s tits props… BUT THAT’S WHERE IT STOPS!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is where shit gets really crazy. What you are about to see is not suitable for children, elders, or any age in between. You have been warned. Sister 3… Khloe
What in the fuck is that?!?!? THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY SHE IS RELATED TO THEM!!! This reminds me of another family…
So what do you think happened? “Khloe” was a sasquatch baby left on the Kardashian’s doorstep, and they were just too
kind stupid to tell her the truth?
The rest of the family is no better. Shit, the best thing Momma K can do is pick the dingle berries out of Big Foot Khloe’s fat furry ass…
Isn’t it cute how they all have names that start with K? It’s the Kunt, the Kocksucker, and KING KONG!
Where is the Sergio Leone of porn when you need him? This has definite spaghetti western trilogy potential: “Fistful of Tits,” “For A Few Dollars More…” (no change necessary), and of course, the finale: “The Dumb, The Bitchy & The Hungry.”
This family is going to need more than one punch! We need to wrecking ball that whole dysfunctional household!!!
HEY!!! Don’t forget me, guys!!!!
8. REX RYAN
Rex, the Head Coach of the “New Yawk” Jets, is one of the most arrogant bastards on the face of the earth.
He is so fat and retarded that his wife had to resort to fucking other people’s feet instead of him.
The sexy specimen?
That was either Rex’s wife, Michelle Ryan, or Miss Doubtfire!
Rumor has it that she fit both of D’Brickashaw Ferguson’s size 17s inside of her at the same time (which is the rough equivalent of 1/8 of John Goodman’s penis).
“Put me in Ms. Ryan, I’m ready to play!”
T Rex… you are the one of the most annoying, odorous, shit-talking coaches to ever waddle the sidelines in the NFL.
You had your Assistant Coach trip a member of the Dolphins’ return team.
You eat chocolate covered butter sticks by the dozens.
You look like this with your shirt off:
For this, and 1,956,002 other reasons, you deserve a punch in the face (I almost said knuckle sandwich, but that would have just made Rex hungrier, and we sure as shit don’t need that).
Rex!? I said “PUNCH”, not “KICK”!!! You sick foot loving freak!!!
There we go, you fat hippo fuck!!!
CHECK BACK TOMORROW TO SEE WHO ELSE YOURS TRULY, MONSIEUR CITIZEN MCGEE, PUNCHES IN THE FACE…
9. GEORGE LOPEZ
The least funny “comedian” EVER, including Carrot Top, and the reason why I now give money to border control advocates! I would rather listen to Betty White take a Taco Bell-induced shit…
Wait a second… anyone else feeling Deja Vu?
Did I already do this?
CAUSE THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT DESERVES TWO OF MY PUNCHES!!! BETTER YET, I WANT TO GET MIKE TYSON UP IN THIS BITCH TO PUNCH LOPEZ AND THEN FORCIBLY RAPE HIS UNFUNNY ASS!!!
You know how there are those comedies that really suck but the previews are aiight, just loaded with the only funny parts? Well G.Lo’s dumb ass is so inexcusably not funny that even his fucking previews for his show are so embarrasingly devoid of humor that I have a hard time not throwing my dog at the tv when they come on, even though I’m just waiting for Conan to come back on!
FUCK YOU LOPEZ!!!
PLEASE JUST STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT AND DIE SOMEWHERE YOU WON’T BOTHER ME!
10. LEBRON JAMES
Fuck you Lebron James.
Fuck you and your stupid iron-flat fat-ass block-head fucking dome. Are you an enemy to Gumby or did Kevin McAllister just get through with you? I’m guessing both.
King of what? King of being a fucking loser? So you were born with some crazy genes. Who fucking cares? That just makes it worse. If I lost an arm wrestling match to a three year old, that would be bad. Much worse than if the loss was suffered by another similarly built three year old. Simple fucking concept there, dipshit (Wait, maybe not… perhaps you should have gone to school after all you god damned retard). Anyway, that is you, Lebron. WASTED FUCKING GENES. If there is a God (there isn’t) he’s laughing his sick fucking ass off over you. One of the greatest human practical jokes, you are.
Fuck you for forcing me to have to stop hating Kobe after hating him for so many glorious years because even he, rapist and all, is a better NBA poster child than your dumb ass.
Fuck you for trying to wear Michael Jordan’s number. You are a pathetic fucking disgrace to that number. You shouldn’t even be allowed to wear a number. You should have to wear a fucking female gender symbol, an ampersand, and a fucking tampon in your giant vagina.
Fuck you and your ego. From your “free agent” tour, to “The Decision,” to “I’m taking my talents to South Beach,” to the “What should I do?” commercial. Do you seriously not realize how much of a fucking tool you are?!?
This awesome Asian says it all:
In sum, fuck you bitch.
11. Miley Cyrus
Yeah… that’s her dad… So?
What’s the big deal?
That’s normal, right? Aren’t all us men supposed to grow out mullets, wear cowboy boots, and have sex with our daughters?
Way to tell me now…
The biggest problem with Miley Cyrus is that the coolest thing about Miley Cyrus is that her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus… Catch my drift?
A lot of celebrity tart dipshit morons could have made my esteemed Hawaiian Punch list, but Miley is the lucky winner. LiLo got close. But alas, because she has far better tits than Miley Mosquito Bites, crackhead received the last second McGee pardon.
Just like those big scrumptious titties seem to work as a Get Out Of Jail Free Card with the legal system, so too do they work as such with McGee.
No. The worst, hands down, is Miley.
Or as I like to call her… the most annoying bitch that ever lived.
I think Miley’s characteristics actually have competitions with each other over which characteristic (e.g. voice, laugh, eyes) can be most annoying.
Want to see why Miley Cyrus needs my fist in her face?
Words of advice, Hannah Montana:
First, get yourself a boob job so your side cleavage stops looking like three-week-old pancakes…
Second, make a fucking dentist appointment.
You know, Austin Powers, in the 21st Century there have been fabulous advancements in the field of dentistry…
Finally, take a fist to your Disney-imbred face!!!
12. Tom Brady & Bill Belichick
Isn’t it great to see such a happy lesbian couple in professional sports? In case you are wondering, Annette Bening is the pissed off one in the pink sneakers, cut off sweatshirt, and short hair, and Julianne Moore is the insecure “pretty” one with the long hair…
These guys are both total fucking douchebags and assholes, and they have been for years.
I mean… Shit! Billy Boy has got to be the most diabolical evil genius since Lord Krang…
Makes sense I guess… the cranky old bastard does look like he’s from Middle Earth…
And then there’s the darling little Tom Brady
Look at that fucking chin!!!!
Doesn’t it sorta kinda remind you… of Kim Kardashian’s enormous ass!?!
And as if one similarity to an esteemed member of my “Hawaiian Punch” team isn’t already enough…
This is just ridiculous.
Almost as ridiculous as the fact that Tom Brady’s douchiness is so extreme that he actually makes these goobers look somewhat cool by contrast:
Tom Brady is not only the biggest dickhead quarterback ever, but he’s a moron jackass off the field as well.
Yeah, the one Tom left while she was pregnant with his evil seed? Smooth, Tom…
I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON BILL’S OLD ASS SMELLY TESTICLES YOU RAT FUCKER!!!
I’m only one man, so I’ll have to enlist a friend to punch Bill…
“BUT I WANNA PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN THE NUTS!!!”