Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Green Bay Packers!!!
(In other words, more of the prancing color yellow than a golden shower convention!!!)
Citizen McGee guarantees* that whichever city/team wins more of the following individual category showdowns will win The Big Game.
Get ready to bet your house, your first borns, the neighbor’s lawnmower that you borrowed, and your left nuts! Money in the bank, bitches!!
Showdown 1: Fans’ Rally Item Of Choice
Green Bay: The Cheese Head
Pittsburgh: The Terrible Towel (Or Turrrrible Towel, Barkley)
WINNER: Towels! (Pittsburgh) Fuck Cheese!!!
Showdown 2: Cow Prevalence
Green Bay: 2,500,000 cows.
Pittsburgh: 2 cows. Ben Roethlisberger and this lovely lady (Warning: Try not to poke your eyes out with a rusty screwdriver!!)
WINNER: Ewwwww… I just threw up in my mouth. Green Bay. By a mile.
Showdown 3: Species of “Packer”
Green Bay: Butt Packer
Pittsburgh: Nonconsensual Packer
WINNER: Big Ben (Pittsburgh) all the way!!! Hopefully if he gets his third
cock Super Bowl ring he’ll rightly follow it up with a third rape allegation. Remember Ben… No means Yes and Yes means Anal! #BearSex!!!
Showdown 4: Signature City Food Item
Green Bay: Brat
Pittsburgh: Primanti Bros. Sandwich (extremely popular sandwich invented a long ass time ago by the Primanti Bros. Restaurant… basically a sandwich with a shitload of fries and coleslaw. I think it was created to allow steel workers to eat a full meal with one hand while working. Or jacking off. It was also made in an attempt to rival Philly’s famous cheesesteak.)
WINNER: Pittsburgh. You can buy a fucking brat at any grocery store, 7-11 or FootLocker in the country!
Showdown 5: Best Notable Entertainer
Green Bay: Zack Snyder (innovative director of 300, Watchmen, the upcoming Superman movie, and many other films)
Pittsburgh: Bret Michaels (has-been singer who fucked Pamela Anderson and now looks like Jack Sparrow after falling asleep in a tanning bed)
WINNER: Green Bay. At least Zack Snyder doesn’t look like a cracked out tranny. And apparently, Pittsburgh can have that effect even on outsiders…
Showdown 6: Least Retarded Ghost From Team’s Past
Green Bay: Brett Favre
Pittsburgh: Terry Bradshaw
WINNER: Pittsburgh. Terry Bradshaw may be missing a chromosome or three, but at least people like the guy. He also won an assload of rings. Favre is a little drama queen, bitch-made retiring son of a bitch. He should have just skipped the NFL and been a professional dick picture taker. Hope your cell camera has zoom Brett!
A notable honorable mention for this category is the host of this year’s Bowl, Mr. Montgomery Burns.
Ah hem… Sorry about that. I meant Mr. Jerry Jones.
Oh… that’s not him either? Whatever. You get the point.
Showdown 7: Best Notable Bad Ass
Green Bay: Charles Woodson (He was a Raider; he must be hard as fuck!!!)
Pittsburgh: James Harrison
WINNER: Pittsburgh. Harrison is so fucking crazy that he actually eats pieces of shit for breakfast… while bench pressing John Goodman’s dong… and playing the violin. Harrison has also has been known to catch a Brian Wilson fastball… with his gold ass teeth. Harrison is so fucking gangsta, he gave Eazy-E AIDS just by looking at him. He has also torn at least a dozen tags off of mattresses and nothing has happened to him. He is half man, half amazing and half man-bear-pig. He is a fucking machine, jerk!!!
It should also be mentioned that Pittsburgh also has an offensive foot clan ninja in Mr. Hines Ward…
Showdown 8: Popularity Contest
Showdown 9: Best Hair
Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers
Pittsburgh: Troy Polamalu
WINNER: Troy Fuckin’ Polamalu!!! Aaron Rogers is a douchebag! I hope Troy fucks ARog’s girl too!!!
There you have it everyone!
The Steelers will be winning this year’s Super Bowl!!!
Depending on the results of the poll on Showdown #8, we have the Steelers winning either 6-3 or 7-2. Since a Super Bowl with no touchdowns is extremely rare, it is only logical to conclude that the final score will be Steelers 7 , Packers 2! Empty out those bank accounts and take the Steelers in the under!
*Just kidding. I don’t guarantee shit!