We have all heard the phrase that “There Are Six Million Ways To Die.” Well… good news! (I guess…) I have personally counted each and every way to die that I could imagine and I am proud to report that there are indeed exactly six million ways to die (including, among 5,999,997 others, drinking too much dish soap, jumping off a cliff while praying for “God” to save me, and of course, looking Jennifer Aniston straight in the dusty vagina (aka Medusa)).
Speaking of morbid death… news reports recently surfaced about the most frequent causes of death in 2010. For the first time ever, cancer, heart attacks, and hacky sack accidents were not at the top of the list. Rather, the top 2 cold-blooded murderers in the United States were none other than Four Loko and Taco Bell’s “beef.” Because you look like an idiot and/or constipated, let me go ahead and tell you why…
2010 was not the year of the rooster, dog or mongoose. No sirs, it was the year of the Loko. When this potent(ially deadly) drink hit store shelves, high school and college students (and Michael Rapaport) instantly flocked to try the new sensation to show the world just how badass they really were. They died. ALL OF THEM! Even the baddest mother fuckers on the planet imbibed the Lok to see what the hype was all about… and they too puked their guts out and swore off alcohol for life.
poison drink has been banned by many states, and the FDA (Full of Drugs and Alcohol) has recently released the true Four Loko ingredients to Citizen McGee.
NOTE: The “Four” in “Four Loko” is reportedly part of the name as a reference to the number of major ingredients in the beverage. That shit’s a lie! Let this be a lesson to you… don’t believe everything you’re told. ESPECIALLY if she says that she’s 15 but looks 12… Fuckin’ little bitch…
Ingredients (by order of deadliness):
1) Battery Acid (40%)
This is what gives Four Loko that added zip when drinking it. And it is also what officially makes it an energy drink (get it?! I’m sorry… That was a horrible joke… I’m going to go pee in my mouth now…)
Rumor has it that it takes 14 car batteries to provide enough acid to make 1 can of Four Loko.
2) Charlie Sheen’s Blood (25%)
And why it seems so damn family friendly!
3) Raid Ant Spray (15%)
4) Crystal Clear Pepsi (12%)
5) Live Black Widows (5%)
Four Loko swears this is not the reason people are dying from their product…
6) Mint Berry Crunch (3%)
Very little is known about this top secret ingredient. All we know is that it is a powerful combination of mint and berries with a tasty, satisfying crunch. NOTE: Sources claim that if this ingredient were removed, the drink would be completely safe. “Shablagoo!!”
Taco Bell may be the most over-rated thing on the planet (sorry Bieber). Its menu consists of nearly 17,000 items, all containing a combination of “beef,” cheese, beans and rice wrapped in one of 157 different kinds of shells. It has recently been revealed that Taco Bell’s “beef” actually contains less than 50% real beef. I’m not sure if anyone is really that shocked by these allegations, I mean… were Tony Romo’s parents shocked when he told them he was gay? I don’t think so. Through the miracles of science, I have obtained the actual ingredients in Taco Bell’s “beef.” I now present you with the mouth-watering ingredients:
1) Sick, disease-plagued dog meat (55%)
2) Lard from John Goodman (20%)
Taco Bell decided to use John Goodman to supply the over 6,000 Taco Bells around the world with his own lard. This proved to be a brilliant decision as he has managed to replenish all donated lard within 20 minutes just by eating Taco Bell. Yes, he is a cannibal and so are all of you! And yes, he has a humongous dong. Not relevant, no… but noteworthy.
3) Cream of Sum Yung Guy (15%)
4) Body hair from employees (5.2%)
Upon the discovery of the ingredients in Taco Bell’s “beef,” the FDA declared this ingredient as the reason why you have to take a massive donkey-dying shit within 9 minutes of eating and/or drinking anything at Taco Bell.
6) Four Loko (1.0%)
7) Beef (0.4%)