Assuming that Michael Jordan is the Jesus Christ of professional basketball (which is more of an undisputable fact than an assumption…), who would win between a team of “B.J.” greats (drafted before Jordan in’84) and a team of “P.J.” greats (drafted in ’84 or later)?
First of all, who would make the teams?
Point Guard: Earvin “Magic” Johnson
Not only is he a force to be reckoned with as a giant point guard with a penchant for flashy passes, but who the fuck would risk touching this goofy mutha fucka!?! You know they had to reassure all the other players over and over again… “No James Worthy, you can’t get AIDS from sharing your awesome swimming/basketball goggles with Magic…” Plus, Magic’d be sure to make everyone on the other team dumber/confused by his retarded facial expressions, slow drawl, and nonsensical comments/“jokes.”
Shooting Guard: Oscar “Big O” Robertson
Big O was a beast. He invented the head fake, the fadeaway jump shot and, most importantly (no… not really), he can do the splits in mid air! Little known fact… The real Mr. Triple Double was also a sex addict (again… not really. No lawsuits please.) with peculiar fetishes. Yes, one of them has to do with feet, and yes, he has fucked both Rex Ryan’s wife AND Rex Ryan… AND their mailman. Tiger Woods is like a sex cub compared to this nasty bastard. Do you know how he got the nickname “Big O”?!? Let me tell you… Oscar was born with a large, strange circular birth mark on his back. His friends saw it one day when he was swimming and coined the nickname, “Big O.” What? What did you think I was going to say you sick fucks?!?!
Small Forward: Larry Bird
He fuckin’ smells like bologna and Bengay too…
Power Forward: Bill Russell
This guy is weird as fuck. As a youngin’ he looked like a crip gangsta that would not hesitate to curb stomp you, or any other mother fucker that crossed him. Now he looks and acts like a crazy cartoon character on too many meds… something like a mix between Disney’s Goofy, Michael Strahan (gap teeth), a black Herbert (the old molester from Family Guy), and Bubbles (the crackhead from The Wire). You don’t know if he’s going to chuckle uncontrollably, try to touch your penis, or sell you some crack! Nonetheless, 11 rings in 13 years is amazing; a stat that cannot be fucked with. EVER.
Center: Wilt Chamberlain
Wilt the Third Stilt will score a hundred points in a game, and then he will go fuck your mom, your sister, your wife and your daughter all at the same time. He’ll even let your dog lick his ass while he does so. And they will all enjoy it. Especially the dog. He will grab 55 boards in a game, and then he will grab 55 asses (and their corresponding 110 titties) that very night. 110 TITTIES!!!
Point Guard: John Stockton
How in McGee’s name does this puny little bastard become an NBA great? He looks like he belongs in a rodeo, not on a basketball court. His shorts are too short, he is too white, he is too small, he is too hairy, he is too pasty, his voice is too creepy, he is too white, and I can almost guarantee that he is the product of a human fucking a donkey. Need proof? There have been numerous witnesses that have seen him eat sugar cubes out of Karl Malone’s hand… and jock strap.
Wings: Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant
Jordan (after hitting a grand slam): I’m the Great Bambino!
Duncan (in nasally voice with oversized hat): Who’s that, guys?
[everyone’s jaws but Duncan’s gapes wide open]
Jordan: What did you just say?
Stockton: What, were you born in a barn, man? Like me?
Shaq: You’ve never heard of the Sultan of Swat?
Stockton: The Titan of Terror?
Michael Jordan: The Colossus of Clout?!?
Kobe: The Colossus of Clout?!?
Power Forward: Tim Duncan
Tim Duncan is like that fucking retarded vulture from Looney Tunes.
He is the most boring, dorky, lame basketball superstar ever. His specialty is the bank-shot!!! Pathetic. He reminds me of a Tiger Woods mutant. Except he’s not cool enough to bang a bunch of chicks. His dick probably doesn’t even work. The last thing that he fucked was David Robinson out of a job. The best part?
Center: Shaquille O’Neal
A lot of hoopers, tryin to play ball
TIM-BER!! They’re all gonna fall cuz
The world is mine, all mine
Quick to treat between the line even Ray Charles ain’t that blind
Pass me a Pepsi, forget that freakish Snapple
MC talkin head then I will smash him with the alley apple
you look for somethin wack you get smacked
Shaq, is back in effect, so how’s that?