80s vs. 90s Sitcom Gang War

Have you ever wondered who would win in a street gang war between 12 characters from 80s sitcoms and 12 characters from 90s sitcoms?  Yeah?  Really?  I have too!!!  Small world…

I picture the respective gangs looking something like this:

Team 80s’ Dirty Dozen

1. Sam Malone of Cheers.  Nickname: May Day Malone.  Weapon of Choice: Baseball Bat.

2. Hermes Katsopolis of Full House.  Nicknames: Jesse, Uncle Jesse, Elvis.  Weapon of Choice? His Gel-met.  “HAVE MERCY!”

3. Gordon Shumway of Alf.  Nickname: Alf.  Weapon of Choice? Dead Cats (some for eating, and some for beating).

4. Arthur Fonzarelli of Happy Days.  Nickname: The Fonz.  Weapons of Choice?  His Thumbs, Fists. “Ayyyyyyyyy!!!”

5. Pee-Wee Herman of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.  Nickname: Pee-Wee. Weapon of Choice?  His Biiiikkkkkkeeeeeee!!!

6. Sergeant Bosco Albert Baracus of The A-Team.  Nickname: B.A. (“Bad Attitude”).  Weapon of Choice: Customized GMC Van.

7. Al Bundy of Married With Children.  Nickname: NO MA’AM. Weapon of Choice?  Women’s shoes (preferably heels).

8. Balki Bartokomous of Perfect Strangers.  Nickname: Balki.  Weapon of Choice: Sheep Herding Skills…

9. Carl Winslow of Family Matters.  Nicknames: Carl, Mr. Winslow.  Weapon of Choice?  Police-issued Hand Gun.

10. Eddie James Arthur Winslow of Family Matters.  Nickname: Eddie.  Weapon of Choice?  Non Police-issued Hand Gun.

11. Arnold Jackson of Diff’rent Strokes.  Nickname: Shorty Wanna Be A Thug.  Weapon of Choice? None (he’s pretty much worthless). “What you talkin’ bout, bitch?!?”

12. Nostradamus Shannon of Night Court.  Nickname: Bull.  Weapon of Choice: Nightstick.

Team 90s’ Dirty Dozen

1. Chuck Norris of Chuck Norris (aka Walker, Texas Ranger). Nickname: Chuck Norris.  Weapon of Choice?  Chuck Norris.

2. A.C. Slater of Saved By The Bell.  Nicknames: Slater, Dimples.  Weapons of Choice?  Half Nelson, Jheri Curl.

3. Cody Lambert of Step By Step.  Nickname: Codeman. Weapon of Choice?  Karate. “Dude!” “Dude-sy!” “No Way!” “Ch-yeah Buddy!”

4. Cosmo Kramer of Seinfeld.  Nickname: Kramer.  Weapon of Choice?  Pet Cock (“Little Jerry”).


5. John Williams of The Wayans Bros.  Nickname: Pops. Weapon of Choice?  Belt.

6. Barney The Dinosaur of Barney And Friends.  Nicknames: Barney Tha Mutha Fuckin’ Dinosaur!, Ghost Face Killah, Weapon of Choice?  Rocket-propelled Anti-tank missiles (Bazooka) ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!!

7. Dan Conner of Roseanne.  Nickname: Baby D.  Weapon of Choice?  Girth.

8. Tim Taylor of Home Improvement.  Nickname: The Tool Man.  Weapons of Choice? Tools, Grunts, Anything Customized for More Power… “You’re darn right more power!”

9. Trini Kwan of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.  Nickname: Yellow Ranger.  Weapons of Choice?  Hot Asian-ness, Saber-Toothed Tiger Dinozord (“Saba Toof Tigaaaaaaaa!”)

10. Geoffrey Butler of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air.  Nickname: G.  Weapon of Choice? Witty Remarks.

11. Stephen James Hyde III of That70s Show.  Nickname: Hyde.  Weapons of Choice?  Fists, that sweet juicy Sticky Icky ICKY!

12. Herman Simpson of In Living Color.  Nickname: Homey D. Clown  Weapon of Choice?  Homey Sock.

Next Question…


Vote for the winner and stay tuned to see how the shit goes down!




This entry was posted in Movies/TV and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to 80s vs. 90s Sitcom Gang War

  1. Benito says:

    Very informative article, i am regular reader of your website.
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  2. balladeer says:

    Nice blog. I’d like to see 70’s sitcom characters take on the winners of this bout. We seem to have the same odd sense of humor.

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