Have you ever wondered who would win in a street gang war between 12 characters from 80s sitcoms and 12 characters from 90s sitcoms? Yeah? Really? I have too!!! Small world…
I picture the respective gangs looking something like this:
Team 80s’ Dirty Dozen
1. Sam Malone of Cheers. Nickname: May Day Malone. Weapon of Choice: Baseball Bat.
2. Hermes Katsopolis of Full House. Nicknames: Jesse, Uncle Jesse, Elvis. Weapon of Choice? His Gel-met. “HAVE MERCY!”
3. Gordon Shumway of Alf. Nickname: Alf. Weapon of Choice? Dead Cats (some for eating, and some for beating).
4. Arthur Fonzarelli of Happy Days. Nickname: The Fonz. Weapons of Choice? His Thumbs, Fists. “Ayyyyyyyyy!!!”
5. Pee-Wee Herman of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. Nickname: Pee-Wee. Weapon of Choice? His Biiiikkkkkkeeeeeee!!!
6. Sergeant Bosco Albert Baracus of The A-Team. Nickname: B.A. (“Bad Attitude”). Weapon of Choice: Customized GMC Van.
7. Al Bundy of Married With Children. Nickname: NO MA’AM. Weapon of Choice? Women’s shoes (preferably heels).
8. Balki Bartokomous of Perfect Strangers. Nickname: Balki. Weapon of Choice: Sheep Herding Skills…
9. Carl Winslow of Family Matters. Nicknames: Carl, Mr. Winslow. Weapon of Choice? Police-issued Hand Gun.
10. Eddie James Arthur Winslow of Family Matters. Nickname: Eddie. Weapon of Choice? Non Police-issued Hand Gun.
11. Arnold Jackson of Diff’rent Strokes. Nickname: Shorty Wanna Be A Thug. Weapon of Choice? None (he’s pretty much worthless). “What you talkin’ bout, bitch?!?”
12. Nostradamus Shannon of Night Court. Nickname: Bull. Weapon of Choice: Nightstick.
Team 90s’ Dirty Dozen
1. Chuck Norris of Chuck Norris (aka Walker, Texas Ranger). Nickname: Chuck Norris. Weapon of Choice? Chuck Norris.
2. A.C. Slater of Saved By The Bell. Nicknames: Slater, Dimples. Weapons of Choice? Half Nelson, Jheri Curl.
3. Cody Lambert of Step By Step. Nickname: Codeman. Weapon of Choice? Karate. “Dude!” “Dude-sy!” “No Way!” “Ch-yeah Buddy!”
4. Cosmo Kramer of Seinfeld. Nickname: Kramer. Weapon of Choice? Pet Cock (“Little Jerry”).
5. John Williams of The Wayans Bros. Nickname: Pops. Weapon of Choice? Belt.
6. Barney The Dinosaur of Barney And Friends. Nicknames: Barney Tha Mutha Fuckin’ Dinosaur!, Ghost Face Killah, Weapon of Choice? Rocket-propelled Anti-tank missiles (Bazooka) ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!!
7. Dan Conner of Roseanne. Nickname: Baby D. Weapon of Choice? Girth.
8. Tim Taylor of Home Improvement. Nickname: The Tool Man. Weapons of Choice? Tools, Grunts, Anything Customized for More Power… “You’re darn right more power!”
9. Trini Kwan of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Nickname: Yellow Ranger. Weapons of Choice? Hot Asian-ness, Saber-Toothed Tiger Dinozord (“Saba Toof Tigaaaaaaaa!”)
10. Geoffrey Butler of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. Nickname: G. Weapon of Choice? Witty Remarks.
11. Stephen James Hyde III of That ‘70s Show. Nickname: Hyde. Weapons of Choice? Fists, that sweet juicy Sticky Icky ICKY!
12. Herman Simpson of In Living Color. Nickname: Homey D. Clown Weapon of Choice? Homey Sock.
Vote for the winner and stay tuned to see how the shit goes down!